From The Third Row Bleachers...
September 2013,
And so it Begins...
Week # Playoffs Game 7
I’d be willing to say that the games tonight don’t mean anything as our top four and bottom four are almost certain….but I won’t because some knob is bound to lose his shit and say that matters! In retrospect (that means after thinking about it) the Bruins taking 6 points off the Canucks (maybe?) and the Rangers/Wings/Kings all getting shutout tonight (highly doubtful) then the playoff picture could change!
Sharks vs. Wings
Spring training for the Sharks softball team got underway last week. Bryan Hayden was on the “mound” like it was Jim Cuddy’s mother! His fastball was clocked at 17mph and was too much to handle for rookie catcher Jason Cohen who jammed his finger in the fence while picking up a missed pitch. Back to hockey….Wings Captain Dave Chapelle will be skating hard tonight as unbeknownst to him (that means he doesn’t realize) the Wings are a virtual lock for the Big Pool. Chapelle’s head has been down since the drop of the puck in game one in September and hasn’t seen a scoreboard all winter.
Kings vs. Stars
The Kings are feeling pretty confident heading into tonight’s game. They currently find themselves in a 3 way which I am feel very safe in saying is a position that none of these guys have ever been in! The Stars/Penguins / who knows what jersey they will wear this week “perhaps poncho’s” have really stepped it up a level in the playoff’s…..insert your own comment here!
Canucks vs. Bruins
The Canucks although they will not make the playoffs are just thankful to have had the opportunity to have spent the season sharing a room with Captain Tom Lappala. Tom is just a wonderful person. A terrific father and husband, the NMFNHL is a better league for having Tom as a part of it. Tom if your family is reading the website again this week I am sure they will be very proud). The rest of the losers on that team might as well have a pre-gamer with the Sharks at 8pm. The Canucks opponents tonight will be the Bruins led by Captain Tom Matheson….no doubt Tom is having pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner on the heels of a week of celibacy (that means a week in the life of this writer).
Rangers vs. Hurricanes
Final game of the Round Robin sees the Rangers face the Hurricanes. Rangers are hoping that they don’t have to give it their all tonight and the Canes have absolutely no reason to even get off the couch…should be a barn burner.
Pick of the Week: Canucks break the hearts of the Bruins.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # Playoffs Game 6
After 5 weeks of Playoff hockey we are beginning to see some separation. The Hurricanes and the Rangers are pulling away and a few of the Sharks wives are becoming distant. All in all everyone is still a winner! What a league….what a great F…..g league!
Kings vs. Rangers
Our first game of the night sees the Kings taking on the Rangers. With a clean sweep the Kings could vault themselves into 2nd place like Bryce at a High-Top table. The Rangers are at risk of losing their stranglehold of remaining in the top four….just the thought of this has driven Rangers call up defenseman from the Arnprior House League Ed Fortin to hit the bottle.
Sharks vs. Bruins
Sharks forward Bryan Hayden said that he has been riding an emotional high after tying their game last Friday. Following that huge effort he’s beaten his 7 year old nephew in a spelling contest, and went two for three in arm wrestling against his aunt….but neither of these feats can compare with the feeling of 1-1 draw against the North Stars. When asked about his team facing the Sharks tonight Bruins D-man Mike Marchand had absolutely nothing to say, thanks for the sound bite Mike.
North Stars vs. Hurricanes
Stars forward Chris Gilligan had lots to say about facing the Hurricanes tonight. Tossing and turning in bed last night according to his wife Gilligan was shouting in his sleep “C’mon ref that’s a hook, where’s the icing? and the ever popular keep up with the play….FOK.” Kevin Logan of the Hurricanes is also excited about the game tonight as he can’t stand the thought of being at home on a Friday.
Canucks vs. Wings
The Canucks are still undecided as to who will start in net tonight after last week’s 5-0 loss to the Rangers. When asked about “scab” goalie Norm Shruff’s performance, speaking under the cloak of anonymity one Canuck player said “I haven’t seen a pussy take a pounding like that since the Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson video.” Chapeau of the Wings isn’t focussed on hockey at all, not with March break around the corner and the release of his newest creation Game Day Custard Explosion.
Pick of the Week: You won’t finish the custard.
Week # Playoffs Game 5
After an off week if is widely suspected that the level of hockey this week will go even deeper into the shitter….Half the league is already thinking about summertime baseball and bad golf, the other half is still thinking that it’s Klean Boy on the dance floor.
Bruins vs. Hurricanes
Really not too sure of the standings with these squads….due to Valentine’s Day the website hasn’t been updated. Pretty sure the Bruins had the asses handed to them by the Stars last week. Hurricanes are lighting it up like Bryce on the dance floor….watch for Big Blake to bust a move!
Rangers vs. Canucks
Watch for Nate “Klean Boy” Matheson on the ice tonight, but don’t look for him in the corners. Nate is still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after being viciously hit from behind in the playoffs of 2012 by none other than the Canucks Mike Todd. The ref was quoted as saying that he could clearly hear Todd apologize for the unprovoked attack; although he wasn’t sure why the apology was the precursor to the hit?
North Stars vs. Sharks
The Stars have been on a roll as of late. Team Captain and emotional leader Ed “Dr. Evil” Nemes said that once he was able to get stud defenseman Kimmo Dancey to stop wearing his helmet backwards his offensive stats skyrocketed….if he could only convince him to wear his ball cap like an adult now! Hard to believe but the Sharks scored less on Valentine’s Day then they did on the ice!
Kings vs. Wings
Kings and Wings hit the ice at 10:45pm tonight….if the late night news doesn’t put you to sleep, this game likely will.
PICK OF THE WEEK: Hurricanes by 2 goals.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # Playoffs Game 4
Just as The Master’s begins on the back nine on Sunday, so do the playoffs in week 4 of the NMFNHL. The first few games of the playoffs don’t mean much more than game11 of the regular season, but starting tonight we will get a clearer picture of who will be playing for the Championship in the weeks ahead and who will just being playing with themselves.
Hurricanes vs. Sharks
Things are bound to get hairy when Victor Andrade and his Hurricanes hit the ice tonight. Andrade has been on a hot streak as of late bringing his 0.043 points per game average to the playoff picture tonight. The Sharks meanwhile are still without regular season net-minder Jason Cohen who is still sidelined with a nasty case of jock itch. This freak injury came as a result of poor hand eye co-ordination and ill-advised manscaping with his goalie skates. Given all the time Cohen spent on his back during play his teammates were shocked that his skates were dull.
Canucks vs. Kings
The Canucks are without big blue liner Randy Bergeronov who is in Sochi enjoying yellow tap water and shitting in a bucket, have a great time Randy! This may result in a roster change that could see the re-uniting of Tommy Lappala, Kenny Ahola and Mikko Toddala.
The Kings big John Vestergaard is hoping to get his game turned around as his production is down drastically this season. He was advised to try Viagra as it helps you score? Pssst……all it will do is take away his ability to crossover on his skates (well played Doc Gannage).
Wings vs. Rangers
Jimmy “Alloy” Malloy has been pretty “soft” throughout the playoffs….has father time caught up with the veteran winger or does hockey not excite him anymore? Nate “Klean-Boy” Matheson has certainly learned that plaid shirts and camera phones don’t mix well….watch for Nate to keep a low profile in the bar tonight even if he doesn’t have chicken wings in front of him that he’s hoping not to share.
North Stars vs. Bruins
Our final game of the night sees the North Stars facing the Bruins. The Stars battered the Rangers last week; it reminded me of Chris Brown on Rihanna! (I so wanted to post a pic here, but…ugh). The Bruins are led by Jan Harringa who said that he expects a feisty battle tonight and if he has enough sock tape left over he might put some on the knuckles too!
PICK OF THE WEEK: Rangers by a goal.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # Playoffs Game 3
As a 7 year old sitting in the second row said to me last week…..Playoffs? How F……g slow are these guys in the regular season!
Rangers vs. North Stars
The Rangers will face a huge test tonight. Many of their players live North of Newmarket where later afternoon flurries may cause tough driving conditions. Once at the Magna they will be able to relax and enjoy a good old fashioned shit kicking.
Bruins vs. Wings
The Bruins head into tonight coming off a couple of Friday night “sister kissers”…..after checking out some of the profile pics on this squad they’re likely used to this. The Wings will be backstopped by Jayson Graziani who managed to pick up 10 points in 2 games last week. Look for Graziani to be signing kids hats in the lobby tonight as he’s recently been named the new King of the crease with the retirement of Murray “The Miracle” Booth and …..nah.
Hurricanes vs. Canucks
The Hurricanes are “torpedoing” their way through the playoffs and goalies again. It’ll be interesting to see if there are any line-up changes for the Canucks tonight as the ice was tilted one way last week with the defensive pairing of Randy Bergeron and Mike Todd on defense being a BIG reason.
Sharks vs. Kings
The Sharks 6 points in the playoffs almost match their season long total….but none of that matters at this time of year. The Sharks will hit the ice tonight without their “pasty” blue liner Cory Fagan who is taking some much needed time to work on getting some color on the beaches of Jamaica. The Kings meanwhile are looking to regain their regular season form which often includes team Captain and defensemen Dennis Beilhartz in the penalty box for taking bad penalties which he had warned his teammates not to take just prior to hitting the ice.
PICK OF THE WEEK: Bruins in a breakout performance highlighted by Tom Matehson moonwalking in front of the Wings bench after batting in a loose puck!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # Playoffs Game 2
Even the NMFNHL fans are likely to buckle up their chinstraps tonight….playoff hockey is borderline entertainment in Newmarket. Let’s check out tonight’s action!
Wings vs. North Stars
Wings goaltender Jayson Graziani is likely to have woken up this morning with a hard-on that even a dog couldn’t knaw off….not that garden variety morning wood! Graziani is looking forward to padding his stats tonight against Ed Nemes’ Pen-stars. But after one of Ed’s pre-game speeches the Pen-Stars have a chance…..same chance as a girl with a cleft pallet has at winning The Bachelor next season.
Hurricanes vs. Kings
The second game of the night sees Big Blake’s Canes square off against Gary Haick’s Kings. Blaker’s Hurricanes are feeling good coming off a big 6-1 win and extra dipping sauce last week. But watch for Haick who spent his off week working on his manual dexterity by taping together all of the torn up door hangars he left on people’s homes the week prior.
Bruins vs. Rangers
Bruins Captain and goal celebration choreography Tom “Magic Fingers” Matheson will lead his Bruins into action against League Commissioner and Ladies Casual Wear magnate Glen “LuLu” Letman who will re-join his team tonight. Letman has been away on business in China in search stronger polyester to help hide unsightly moose-knuckles on his plus sized yoga wear. This coming off the heels of a class action suit from Schwinn bicycle owners who have been tearing the seat right off their bikes will wearing the aforementioned Letman’s leisure suits.
Sharks vs. Canucks
The final game of the night sees Doc Gannage and his Tadpoles face a questionable Mike Todd and his Canucks. Gannage is considering juggling his line-up by not sending out a game day reminder indicating that his Sharks play tonight. Todd meanwhile suffered a soft tissue injury last week while jockeying for a stronger position in the morning line-up at a local Service Canada?
PICK OF THE WEEK: Uhmmmm Wings?
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # 19
From where I’m sitting it looks as though the level of hockey has slipped in the last couple of weeks….if that’s even possible. Perhaps teams are resting their stars for their playoff off run? But be careful, only the top 8 get invited to the dance. Let’s have a look at tonight’s meaningless match-ups!
Stars vs. Canucks
If you’d like to punish your family, take them Chapeau’s Spunkin Donuts for a box of “Week old Festive Splooge Éclairs” and them make them watch this game. It’ll be highlighted by Ed Nemes and his Star-Pens against Mark T. Colley and his Canucks. Nemes plans on spending the afternoon marinating himself in Nair in an effort to knock 30 seconds off one of his patented rushes. The Canucks are so worried about Ed that Mark Colley is going to shadow him all night! Colley was quoted as saying he may get his blades sharpened for this special assignment…..this blogger figures that Colley had best get to St. Louis by 4pm if he wants to find Ed.
Wings vs. Hurricanes
The Wings smooth skating D-man Reid Smith has had some untimely toe-picks as of late? Smith was seen trying to look at his blade….I emphasize trying. Dave Goldie of the Hurricanes said that Smith should try salad! Not sure if Goldie was trying to be helpful or throw a shot at the aforementioned Smith? Dave trying to be the Richard Simmons of the NMFNHL?
Rangers vs. Sharks
Ian Gray and his Rangers will take on the red hot Sharks who are coming off a victory over the Kings last week thanks in large part to the performance of their net minder Jason Cohen. This could be a big night for Ian who with one more high-sticking penalty will surpass his league leading total last year! Meanwhile the Sharks Cohen looked like a new man last week in net. Cohen was minding his angles and allowing minimal rebounds…..this just in, Cohen was not playing?
Bruins vs. Kings
Bruins Captain Tommy Matheson is a questionable start tonight against the Kings. Tom injured his shoulder while celebrating a meaningless goal last Friday Night. Onlookers were unsure if the injury occurred during the battery of fist pumps, riding his stick around centre-ice or while jumping into the glass? The Kings John Vestergaard vows to put a stop to this type of celebration tonight. John plans to drain the emotion out of Tom by reciting an Ed Nemes pre-game speech.
PICK OF THE WEEK: Canucks by 3 goals!
Week # Happy New Year!
With the holiday season finally behind us the NMFNHL can try and get back to the usual half-filled benches of low talent hockey players doing their thing in front of no fans or relatives with no lives of their own! Let’s take a look at the match-ups in the first week of 2014, and get a peek at some of the New Year Resolution’s made by some of our all-stars.
Hurricanes vs. Canucks
Blake Templeton and his overachieving Hurricanes will face the temperamental Canucks and their goalie of the week. Canes Captain Blake “Finger Sporks” Templeton is going to use the handle on the pitcher of beer after hockey instead of inserting his fingers in the spout of the aforementioned pitcher. Although this may be acceptable in some areas (Keswick, Elliott Lake, prison) it is frowned upon in York Region. The Canucks collectively have decided to support their goaltender from this day forward regardless of how f…..in pathetic an attempt at a save is made. (I’ll take Blake on this bet).
Sharks vs. Kings
The toothless Sharks face the Kings in the second game of the night. The Sharks will be without goaltender Jason Cohen for several weeks who broke his wrist during the holidays while, wait for it….. skating with his children. The only thing harder to believe would be him breaking his wrist while making a glove save. Cohen will be spending a great deal of time in the hyperbaric chamber and resting his wrist which oddly enough will certainly help him “stick to his guns” for his New Year resolution! The Kings will answer with the mosquito like realtor Gary Haick. Haick pledges to not use any hair care products this year……look for the Shopper’s Drug Mart chain to collapse by the 2nd quarter.
Bruins vs. Wings
The red-hot Bruins and Mark McCargar will face Angry Joe Dominelli and his Wings. Mark said that he doesn’t have to make a resolution and I wasn’t about to argue with him. Dominelli meanwhile to me that he was not going to be angry anymore…..then he told me to go F…k myself! Good start Joe.
Rangers vs. Stars
Rangers forward Brian “Stick-em Up” Boake vows to keep his celebrations to a minimum after scoring for the rest of the season. Look for Brian to limit his cele to “jumping into the glass then turning to the goalie while stroking his composite and yelling open wide!” Should it be difficult to limit himself to this I have no doubt that Scott Dalton will be fine with the old 2 hands in the air……Uhm, not that I think Scott will get scored on though. The Stars will answer with Mad Max Saegert. Max got a brand new egg timer for Christmas. His plan is to set the egg timer every time the oppositions tender freezes the puck…..should the bell ring on the egg timer before he gets to the crease he will stop!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week # Festivus!
T’was the week before Christmas and all through the rink
Not an old-timer was skating, they skipped hockey for drinks;
The stockings were hung by the Zamboni with care,
In hopes that a municipal worker soon would be there;
The old-timers were nestled all snug in the bar,
With visions of getting laid in the back of their car;
And Blake in his track pants and Chapeau in his cap,
Had just settled in….right in front of the beer tap;
When out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
Even Ed Nemes sprang to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Kimmo flew like an overweight Finnish flash,
Ian Bell tore open the shutters and threw out his Keswick trash;
The moon on the breast of the fresh fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the drunks playing hockey in the parking lot below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tuned Jimmy Malloy playing hockey, and 8 empty beers,
With a little old centre man, so slow and thick,
I knew in a moment it must be Roman Mikolich.
More rapid than the North Stars his forwards they came;
And he whistled, and he shouted, and cursed them by name:
“Now! Dalton, Now! Dancey, Now! Doherty and Vestergaard,
“On! Colley, On! Caruso, On! Daudlin and Beilhartz;
“To the top of the slot! to the end of the end of the strip mall!;
“Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So back to the point the defensemen they flew,
With a cup full of sweat and one of Jimmy’s beer’s too:
And then in a twinkling I heard in the lane,
The prancing and pawing of Chris Gilligan’s cane;
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Tom Lapalla came with a bound:
He was dressed in skinny jeans; his sweater and vest were drab,
And none of his clothes had pockets; he’d never picked up a tab.
A bundle of hockey gear was flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes: – how bloodshot, his dimples: - how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his breath smelled like Sherry;
His goaltenders mouth was drawn up like a bow;
At least until the other team would make the Canucks red light glow!
The stump of a composite stick Laps held in his teeth,
He pretended to not see his wingers when he circled the net like a wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly;
That shook when he dove, like a bowl full of jelly!
His winger Mike Todd was chubby and plump,
His hockey pants were tight, especially in the rump.
A wink of his eye, and twist of his head;
Soon gave me to know one more hack and I was dead!
He spoke not a word, and went straight to his work,
He fired the puck wide and ended his shift with some other jerk.
Then Laps gave me the finger right next to his nose,
Gave the nod to the Canucks goalie….who it was “who knows?”.
He sprung to his bench; to his team he gave a whistle,
And away they all back-checked, just like a missle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he skated out of sight-
Merry Christmas to all NMFNHLers and to all a Good Friday Night!
Bruins vs. Rangers
The first game of the night will see Stan Windatt and his Bruins face Craig Campbell and the Rangers.
Stan spent his final week of holidays at Uncle Fun Rob Campbell’s School of Geocaching.
Rumours are circulating that Stan was also working on his high backhand shot which Rob (elder brother of Ranger net-minder Craig) claims is Craig’s weakness. Craig has since been quoted as saying “my biggest weakness is having to be associated with my brother’s Geocaching School…how embarrassing!”
Sharks vs. Canucks
The Sharks and Canucks tilt will be awkward for a couple of skaters tonight, Ron Bremaud and Dave Koteff.
Bremaud and Koteff were former business partners in a small chain of tanning salons called Bremaud Bronze….that until Dave came in one day with a better base to take Ronnie’s title of most tanned NMFNHLer. The two have since parted ways and the chain (okay it was a 400 sq. ft. rental space Gary Haick found them above a convenience store in Bobcaygeon) has been dissolved. This blogger thinks it is a shame and feels that North Stars goalie Scott Dalton by far has the darkest tan in the league as of late!
Hurricanes vs. Kings
Terry Turner vs. Dennis Beilhartz…. I’m sure this will be a calm game. Terry is known for losing his mind when touched on the ice….let’s see what happens when Beilhartz throws out a hip in the hallway?
Wings vs. Stars
The late game will be highlighted by seeing Jimmy “Alloy” Malloy go head to head against Stars defenseman Ed “Dr. Evil” Nemes. Tom at St. Louis is expecting the rush at the bar to start somewhat earlier as a result.
Stars vs. Sharks
The first game of the night will see the “explosive” Mike Caruso and his Stars head into battle against Chris Broughton and his Sharks. Caruso has been “dynamite” as of late….a real “sniper” some have said. Chris Broughton welcomes the chance to face Caruso tonight….especially after his plus minus has taken a pounding the last couple of weeks. “I’ll track him down in the corners or a cave” said Broughton….my kids have been at the last couple of games and they were so embarrassed they just bought Stars hats.
Kings vs. Wings
G.O.D (Grant O’Donnell) and his Kings will face Andrew Aldworth and the Wings in our 2nd game of the night. After signing an endorsement deal with Happy Zack’s Scrotum Bliss; G.O.D has had the world by the balls! At the other end of the scrotum (I mean spectrum)….is Aldworth. Heading into tonight’s game Andrew has 0 goals and itchy balls.
Rangers vs. Canucks
Steve “Shrek” Taborek and his Rangers will face Glen Arnold and his Canucks. Taborek has racked up plenty of assists this year and depending on what goalie of the week the Canucks start tonight he might even consider shooting. Canucks steady winger Glen Arnold has seen limited time on the power play but is getting plenty of time building team unity. Arnold is bringing his IPod tonight and will play a continuous of loop of the great James Taylor’s “You’ve got a friend.
Bruins vs. Hurricanes
The Bruins Jan Haringa will be back in the line-up this week after missing last week’s game as a result of having to spend some “quality time” at home. The Bruins didn’t have their usual “tape to tape” passing which is far more likely to happen when Haringa is in the game. Meanwhile the Hurricanes Victor Andrade is still questionable for tonight’s action. Andrade suffered a small scratch on his back and has spent the last 2 weeks in serious pain while trying to take off the Band-Aid.
PICK OF THE WEEK
While on the topic of hair….we should crown the 2013 NMFNHL Movember Champion!
Bart Trentadue 
of the Stars takes top honours while James Clark 
of the Kings in a distant 2nd puts the “Mo” in Movember.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week Whatever?
With only a week left until “Movember” ends let’s take another look at the battle for Movember supremacy in the NMFNHL and check in on the progress made by Trentadue of the Stars and the King’s Clark.
Wow…..this is going to be close! Be sure to check back next week for the final pics!
Stars vs. Hurricanes:
Rick Englehardt of the Stars is taking the lack lustre performance of his team this year pretty har…., I mean why the long fac….? Forget it. The Hurricanes will be led by Victor Andrade who is having one is best years in the NMFNHL as he has recorded 1 assist in his first 14 games.
Sharks vs. Bruins
Watch out for Ray Gasparet tonight….not on the ice! He was rumoured to have pulled a “Bill Yip” and arrive at St. Louis sans wallet last week. After receiving a few pints from fellow player’s he was heard saying “shit…is it 11pm already? See you next week”. The Bruins will answer with Darren Irvine who is every bit as irrelevant on the ice and will easily match the aforementioned “Rayzor’s” spending habits at the bar.
Wings vs. Canucks
Jayson Graziani and his Wings are excited to suit up against the Canucks tonight. Graziani was quoted as saying that he anticipates “there being a lot of room out there tonight”…..he meant the Canucks bench not the ice. Big Sid Negri of the Canucks is anxious to lace em up this week and said he is feeling just fine after taking a shot from behind last week…..onlookers speculated that he hadn’t been on all fours in pain like that since his first year at band camp.
Kings vs. Rangers
The final game of the night will see Dennis Beilhartz and his Kings face Glen “LuLu” Letman and his Rangers. Given the fact that this game doesn’t start till 11:45pm don’t look for either of these Captain’s to be a factor. At their respective ages they will likely be headed to the rooms a few times during the game due to regularly scheduled peeing.
PICK OF THE WEEK:
Stars by a goal!
Hurricanes vs. Kings
Ian “The Natural” Bell and his Hurricanes will face Kevin Roulston and the Kings in the first game of the night. It appears that the only kind of crunches the Natural has been doing is with numbers! Kevin Roulston of the Kings with his 7 snipes and 7 helpers has been rock solid this year and may even get a look from the Sabres now that his 3rd cousin John is no longer coaching in the show.
Wings vs. North Stars
Brandon “The Goalie Assassin” Carman will spearhead the Wings against Scott Dalton and his North Stars tonight. Carman has been working on his innocent look and post net-minder apology all week in front of the mirror. Look for Carman to skate hard to the net…..be sure to stay quiet as his apology usually begins once he crosses the blue line! The North Stars tender has been working out all week with the EG Tubs to prepare for another night of getting shelled with pucks and having no defensive talent in front of him.
Sharks vs. Canucks
Third game of the night sees 3-7-2 Sharks square off against the 4-8 Canucks in battle for Double Digits in the points standings. These two squads are awful and any players wives forced to watch this game have clearly got grounds for divorce. Making up for the lack of skill in this one will be the intensity of these rival squads. If there’s one game where there will be more contact on the ice than in the timekeeper’s box it’s this one!
Bruins vs. Rangers
Rob Carthew and his league leading Bruins will square off against Nate Matheson and his Rangers in the final game of the night. Carthew has recorded 0 goals this year, claiming that he’s revamped his game to become more of a passer. “Nate Matheson of the Rangers would be a shoe-in for the Cy Young if his 6-1 hockey stats were translated into baseball” said Carthew. Look for tempers to boil in this finale on the Midas Rink.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Hurricanes over the Kings by 1 goal.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
After being in a drunken stupor I can’t recall what happened last week? Let’s skip all the BS and take a closer look at this weeks games.
Kings vs. North Stars
James Clark and his Kings will face off against Bart Trentadue and the North Stars in the first game of the night. “I couldn’t care less about the game….it’s all about the Movember contest” said Bart (left picture). Trentadue is rumoured to have given James Clark (right picture) of the Kings a 6 month head start in the moustache contest? “Je ne sais pas pourquoi cet enfant ne peut pas cultiver sur son visage ce qui pousse de façon sauvage dans connard est…. said Trentadue.
Sharks vs. Wings
Bryan Hayden and the Sharks will square off against Jayson Graziani and his Wings in the second contest of the night. “Hayden’s soft hands (as displayed on the Home Page) and willingness to go to the dirty areas make me nervous” said Graziani. Look for the Wings netminder to play a more conservative “stand-up” style of goaltending in an effort to keep Hayden out of his crease and his arse.
Rangers vs. Hurricanes
Greg McClenny’s Rangers will dance with Mike Mallette’s Hurricanes in the third game of the night. This game may have some crisp passing and physicality provided neither of these guys wives let them play.
Canucks vs. Bruins
This game will be decided by goaltending….mark my words! The Canucks Bobby “no warm-up necessary” Moore has only allowed a stingy 51 goals this season. At the other end of the ice is the Bruins Jason Daudlin who has been studying Moore all season long. “I told the boys that if they keep the puck under the crossbar it’s got a really good chance of bulging the twine.” When asked about this cheap-shot he merely replied with FYYFF.
PICK OF THE WEEK
North Stars over the Kings by 2 goals….you read it here first.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #9
Halloween strikes again tonight as over 100 grown men suit up to look like hockey players….some even have candy in their gloves (you know who you are you chunky bastards). Let’s have a look at a few scary lineups.
Bruins vs. Wings
In an epic battle near the top of the standings are the Bruins led by Tom Hinshelwood who will face the Wings and Jimmy “Alloy” Malloy. Hinshelwood had a great week as he torched the Kings for 2 goals to bring his tally up to 8. Speaking of his tally….Hinshelwood was spotted at a Halloween party buck naked “I threw it over my shoulder and said I was a gas pump” said Tom. Jimmy Malloy took a puck to the face last week and due to high alcohol content the blood on the ice never froze.
Rangers vs. North Stars
Rangers winger Ed Fortin is a game time decision. Fortin pictured below is recovering from a rib injury sustained at a Brampton Gentleman’s Club during a lap dance. Onlookers initially thought he was just winded by the dancer’s twin brother (right) heard ribs cracking during the 11th dance.
Stars defenseman Dave “I’ll be there” Pisani leads the team in the plus/minus division. Pisani has played twice this year choosing to spend his Friday evenings talking with his wife about her feelings. Insiders say half the North Stars feel like doing the same.
Sharks vs. Kings
Sharks forward Dominic DiBlasio is still recovering from a hamstring injury. It was clear last week that the Sharks punishing blue-liner didn’t have his typical blazing speed on the ice. Double D is a gamer said Kings centre John Vestergaard. “The closest DD will get to me tonight is at the urinal in St. Louis, and I’ll likely shake him there too.”
Uhm…this writer is speechless and is unlikely to be at the bar after that disturbing quote. Not the type of wraparound I was expecting to hear about.
Hurricanes vs. Canucks
The Canes will face the Canucks in the final tilt of the night. Steve Tiemersma spent the entire week downloading enough songs on his iPod to avoid having to listen to Captain Templeton’s pre-game speech. “Honest to F…! Score a goal and maybe I’ll turn down the volume…..stop feeding me passes that require stick-em on my gloves to catch and I might even listen” said the smooth skating forward. The Canucks meanwhile will be led by Craig Matthews. Matthews’ soft hands have allowed him to score 2 career goals in this league and advance to level 2 of guitar hero.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Really? I’ll let you know at 9:45pm
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #8
As we head into week 8 there is no doubt that the calibre of each team is clearly reflected in the standings. In the top half of the league teams are filled with guys who are passed their prime…..in the bottom half are teams with guys who never had a prime. Any spouses in the stands to watch this garbage have clearly done something wrong and are feeling incredibly guilty….I’ll be sure to interview a few in the weeks ahead.
Wings vs. Hurricanes
In the opening game of the night Reid Smith and his Wings will face off against Dave Goldie and his Hurricanes. Smith has been hotter than his “curling iron” notching 8 goals and 8 helpers thus far.
Before 
After
Hurricanes forward Ernie Screen is looking for a little redemption as Screen finds himself in the midst of “seller’s remorse” since selling that curling iron on Kijijji! Let it go Ernie…..it was like keeping a horse in a townhouse.
Before After
North Stars vs. Canucks
This is the fastest the rubber will move in this match up!
Bruins vs. Kings
Dave Shields and his Bruins will face Frank Seguin and his Kings in what could be the game of the night. With 4 points this year Shields has doubled his production from last season….it’s no coincidence that he’s getting laid far more often too. Reports say that Mrs. Shields is on the DL for 4 weeks with a pulled hamstring! Kings forward, commonly referred to as Frank “The Big Ginger” Seguin by his teammates and strippers will be in the line-up tonight. The Big Ginger said it’s an honour to spread his Frank’s Red Hot Sauce in the same league as his idol Spunkin Chapeau. Frank said he’s trying not to look past this game but said he’s ready to burst the next time they face the Wings!
Rangers vs. Sharks
Rangers forward Deryl Blanchard brother of Larry and his other brother Deryl, will lead the Rangers into battle against Jason Cohen and his Sharks. Blanchard has recorded 2 of his 3 points this season against the Sharks earlier this year…Blanchard said that Cohen’s 5 hole is bigger than my wife’s! Sharks tender Cohen is likely to be back in the line-up after shaking off another direct hit from the Goalie Torpedo last week. Cohen formerly known as “Handsome Johnny Luckowich” in the goalie races at the ACC said he notices that the game is a lot different in Newmarket “the puck really adds another element”.
PICK OF THE WEEK
4 -4 tie in a “rubber match” between the Stars and the Canucks.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #7
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving….I also hope that it is politically correct to mention Thanksgiving. The last thing this blogger wants to do is offend anyone or take personal shots at NMFNHL players, personnel, management or the League Commissioner.
Canucks vs. Kings
The Canucks will put their 1-8 record on the line tonight against a mediocre Kings line-up. The Canucks have kept a low profile this season, none lower than the Canucks Ricky Schroder.
After searching for work post “Silver Spoons” Schroder spent hours on end at Marcel Dionne’s kid’s camp in East L.A. where Schroder learned the art of puck handling, diving and face washing, all attributes which led Canucks Captain Tommy Lapalla to draft him. Cameo appearance on NYPD leaves time for Schroder to play Men’s League hockey under his alias Ken Ahola! Bring an extra Sharpie to the rink tonight Rick, autograph hounds await! Speaking of hounds….Gary Haick has a new listing in Georgina! For more information please see Gary in the penalty box sometime during this game….he is bound to leave a few pamphlets with all the details.
Hurricanes vs. Sharks
Ian “The Natural” Bell and his Hurricanes will take on Cory Fagan and the Sharks in our second match up tonight. The Natural has been rumoured to have joined Curves for Women in Newmarket on a special promo he received through Johnny Munroe. The Natural hasn’t been to a gym since he parted ways with his personal trainer in 2010 after extensive leg workouts left him bed ridden for weeks. Sharks enforcer Cory Fagan has taken on a new role in the NMFNHL this year. Formerly known as a puck moving defenseman, Fagan has become a feared physical presence on the ice. Sources say that this change and style goes back to his change of footwear. Fagan purchased men’s shower slippers in the off season and some feel that this new found confidence has translated to his play on the ice.
Stars vs. Bruins
The Stars will be without Chris Gilligan for “10 weeks to 3 months?”….yeah I’m thinking the same thing. Gilligan is out after having a much needed hip replacement surgery. Thanksgiving came just in time…Chris received his new hip from a 14 lb. Turkey.
Jan Haringa will lead his Bruins into action tonight. The Bruins have 1st place wrapped up right now thanks in large part to Jan’s goal scoring and tape!
Wings vs. Rangers
The final game of the night will see Dave “Spunk'n” Chappelle get in the face of Ron “The Rocket “Richards. Chapelle just released his new concoction “glazed salty balls” at Chapeau’s Spunk'n Donuts located at Davis and Leslie. When asked about facing the donut king on the ice tonight Richard’s said, “Chapeau’s a good guy, but I don’t like the taste of his glazed salty balls”.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Rangers in a spitter…. 2-1
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #6
After a flurry of action last week there are many questions on everyone’s mind heading into this week’s games….will cooler heads prevail on the ice? Will Chapeau “release” a new batch of donuts? And where exactly is Angry Joe’s?
Sharks vs. Bruins
The first game of the night will see the rejuvenated Sharks face the always steady Bruins. Sharks are hopeful that call-up Grant McKay will not be in the line-up….he’s shown up once and it ruined the chemistry of the team….”the guy wrecks homes like a 25 year old flight attendant” said Ron Bremaud. Bruins defenseman Rob Carthew is considering not wearing his shin pads against the Sharks…electing to rely on his “lucky knee pads” that have gotten him to middle-management.
Kings vs. Rangers
Epic battle between the Kings and Rangers tonight….all stemmed by the competitive nature between Paul Pucciarelli of the Kings and Joseph Cabral of the Rangers. These two combatants face each other every day as rival busboys at Angry Joe’s Roadhouse in Newmarket. Apparently “Pooch” hasn’t been scraping the plates properly at night and “Joey C” ratted him out to Joe Dominelli himself. When asked about the incident all Angry Joe could say was “What are you lookin at? Go ask Eastside Mario if he gives sh…t about stuff like dat!”
Canucks vs. Wings
John Wellsbury and his Canucks will face Terrible Ted Kurello and Wings tonight. The smooth skating Wellsbury said he’s ready for anything Kurello brings to the ice. Based on Kurello’s profile pic I’d say that he’ll have something up his sleeve as soon as he manages to remove it from his ass….what’s up with that photo?
Stars vs. Hurricanes
The Stars will be without Mad Max Saegert tonight as they face Chris Burr and his Hurricanes. Saegert will be in the press box tonight after causing the kind of contact usually found in a Mini-van on date night! Chris Burr of the Hurricanes was quoted as saying that he heard through the grapevine the contact in the crease lasted longer that the contact in a mini-van too!
PICK OF THE WEEK
Rangers over the Kings by 2 goals.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #5
Look for a little excitement on the ice tonight….mild trash talk has started amongst players WITHOUT any assistance from this columnist?
Rangers vs. Canucks
Rangers defenseman Ed Fortin will lead his Rangers against Mike “the chimp” Todd and the Canucks. Fortin said that if Todd even thinks of trying to cut hard to the Rangers net he’s going to jam his stick up Todd’s ass….normally I’d say that’s unlikely but if ever there was a time? Todd’s response was quite simple…FYYFF. No doubt Todd will be “whistling” around the ice.
Bruins vs. Hurricanes
Scott Lister and his Bruins are tearing up this league….I can’t believe Captain Matheson felt he was the weak link in the squad? What’s weak is watching Hurricanes goalie Mike Kewley bail out his defense and listen to them take the credit…..This could be a great tilt!
Kings vs. Wings
Steve MacQuire and the Kings will hit the ice against Jimmy “Alloy” Malloy and the Wings in the 3rd contest of the evening. MacQuire said he welcomes the opportunity to face Malloy’s slapper….have to assume he meant Malloy’s shot using his KoHo he bought in 1976?
North Stars vs. Sharks
Mike Caruso and his North Stars can’t wait to face Darrin Husack and his Sharks in a game that seems to be getting ugly even before puck drop. Stars blueliner Kimmo “toughest Fin in the League” Dancey has even started throwing some verbal shots towards the Sharks room!
What the Fok? It’s all in the subject line above.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Caruso & Dancey take penalties for hacking/slashing Gasparet a normally quiet player on the ice.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #4
After a strenuous start to the season with “2 a week’s” which is comparable to “2 a days” for anyone over 30 the schedule has finally come back down to the fitness level of all those involved! Let’s have a look at tonight’s action.
Bruins vs. Kings
Mike Eng and his 5-0-1 Bruins will do battle with Johnny Munroe and his middle of the pack Kings tonight. Eng. is off to a great start this season with 5 points in 6 games. “I really thought I’d miss playing with Billy Yip…but stalking his every move on Facebook has been enough to keep me happy.” Like This? The Kings soft handed forward Johnny “Hot Yoga” Munroe has a new look this year, check out his “Blue Steel” head shot on the website!
Rangers vs. Sharks
After missing part of the 2012-13 campaign with a sore jaw suffered while tied up with Mike Todd (guess I should say it was hockey related) Nate Matheson will lead his Rangers into battle against Jim Mayo and his Sharks. Look for Nate to be in the corners tonight except the one at St. Louis where the credit card machine is located. After making his 2013 debut last week Mayo (an Air Canada pilot) was quoted as saying that he hasn’t had that much fun since his first “mile high” adventure over St. Louis!
Stars vs. Canucks
Chris Gilligan and his Stars will take on Glen Arnold and the Canucks at 10:30 tonight. I can save you watching this game and give you the highlights right now….Here comes Gilligan flying down the wing gets caught up with Arnold who’s in the process of making an ill-advised line change….down goes Gilligan! The play stops and Gilligan favours his hip while rolling around in agony like he’s been shot! Once it is mutually agreed that nobody gives a F….k play will resume….the end.
Wings vs. Hurricanes
Wings rookie Alain Miron is off to a great start this season as his 4-0-2 Wings take on James Demarco and the Hurricanes. Miron has had great chemistry with centre man Joe Dominelli despite their inability to communicate on the ice…..”I don’t serve no poutine at Angry Joe’s Roadhouse” said Dominelli. Canes D-Man James Demarco is still looking for his first goal in the NMFNHL since joining the league many years ago. James is also looking for:
- A decent haircut
- Witty lines on the ice
- Free chicken wings
PICK OF THE WEEK
Sharks over the Rangers by a puck!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #3
Heading into week 3 of the NMFNHL season we are starting to see some early signs of greatness as a few teams are starting to pull away in the points tally. Those in the basement need not lose any sleep; remember how the momentum swung last year in this league.
Sharks vs. Canucks
Tonight’s battles start off with a huge clash between Brent Riskie and his Sharks as they take on Randy Bergeron and the Canucks. Riskie known for his tight shirts at the bar doesn’t appreciate Bergeron’s form fitting hockey jersey…..take it easy Brent, I don’t think that Mrs. Bergeron is thrilled about Randy’s skin tight hockey jersey either. From the 3rd row Bergeron looks like he’s about to take part in the luge! Try the salad Randy…try the salad
.
Bruins vs. Rangers
In the sleeper of the week the Bruins will face the Rangers. In an interview earlier this week Mike Marchand of the Bruins had this to say about the Rangers “We face the Rangers on Friday at 9:45pm.” Fortin of the Rangers replied with “I’m looking forward to playing early on Friday….who do we play?” That is some gripping shit…..skip this game sports fans and watch a re-run of big brother!
Wings vs. Stars
Geoff Jewell and his Wings face off against Paul Thibault and the Stars in our third game of the night. Don’t look for Jewell to drop the mitts tonight….his gloves are 43 years old and would likely crack upon impact of the ice. Thibault is fired up about getting to the rink tonight citing his miserable home life as his sole inspiration to participate in a sport where his level of play is marginal at best.
Hurricanes vs. Kings
Hurricanes forward Victor Andrade should be in the line-up tonight. Andrade’s number is still missing from the NMFNHL website as his back hair manages to weave its way through his jersey each night. Kings power forward Bob “Doc” Doherty is rumoured to have a tube of Nair in his gloves and will shadow Andrade all night in an effort to assist league statisticians with Andrade’s 2013/14 campaign stats.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Stars over the Wings by 1 goal……
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #2
After two games in the first week of NMFNHL action the Captain’s each feel that they are starting to get a handle on the talent (or lack thereof) in their respective line-ups….Come sit in the bleachers and you’ll see exactly what you’ve got in 10 minutes. That’s right, blogger turned prognosticator….I’m starting up 3rd Row’s Pick of the Week!
Rangers vs. Hurricanes
Rangers Captain and NMFNHL Commissioner Glen “LuLu” Letman square off against Blake Templeton and his Hurricanes. With an 0-2 start to the season the commish may want to spend some of that Aurora “kick-back” cash on the refs. On Draft Night Letman was quoted as saying he really liked the look of his team, keep in mind 2 waitresses were wearing Rangers sweaters and the commish is in his golden years! Hurricanes Captain Blake “Finger Spork” Templeton will be in action tonight…..the over under 15.5. The bet is number of times he ices the puck. If you love fast paced hockey, stay at home and play NHL 2013.
Canucks vs. Bruins
Tommy Lappala has returned to the league full time this year. This is great news for hockey enthusiasts across the country as this will hinder his ability to distribute the worst F%$#@in water bottles ever created. The Bruins, led by league statistician Tommy Matheson will put their 2-0 record on the line tonight. Matheson (a York Region school teacher) had a rigorous off season training program which he credits his fast start to. Matheson could be seen many mornings this past summer carrying a wooden sign up and down the streets for hours on end…..sources say the sign read something to do with longer lunch breaks and a 20% pay raise?
Sharks vs. Wings
Sharks Captain, Chris “The Doc” Gannage quoted as saying “he’ll likely be the most successful Captain in Sharks history”. Way to go out on a limb Doc…..you clearly remember the 2012/2013 Sharks Playoff run under the watchful eye of Captain Beilhartz. The Sharks will face Dave “Spunkin” Chapeau and his Wings. Look for the Wings to get all the good calls in this match-up tonight as Chapeau is part of the “International Brotherhood of Visually Impaired Referees”. After the Wings victory on Sunday morning Chapeau was spotted at Daybreak enjoying breakfast with the NMFNHL officiating crew.
Kings vs. Stars
Beilhartz’s Kings versus Nemes’ Stars…..need I say more? This game will be filled with penalties and perimeter shots that bounce twice before making it to the net. Beilhartz drafted only 3 players that were on his clusterf…k of a squad last season. Nemes is quite satisfied with his team’s 0-2 start! “We’ve had a tremendous turnout at St. Louis each night and there is absolutely no cock-blocking, it’s a true team”.
PICK OF THE WEEK
Bruins over the Canucks – by 2 goals.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
Week #1
Welcome back to another season of piss poor hockey and even worse refereeing. To those of you who are new to the league…do your best to stay under the radar, for those of you returning you must be disappointed to see the that League Commissioner Glenn “LuLu” Letman and Webmaster Pat Magroin have signed yours truly to another season of coverage.
I’d comment on the match ups in week one but I don’t know half the guys and the other half aren’t worth mentioning. Instead let’s take a look at who IS NOT back this year….that’s the real story!
- Murray “The Miracle” Booth – Murray will be deeply missed by all forwards in the league, especially those who get a dollar for every goal they score. Murray played net for 45 years and never needed a Tide Pen to get the puck marks off his jersey. For the sake of continuity in the calibre of his goaltending the league will hang one of Bryce Glynn’s dress shirts on a hangar and hook it to the crossbar.
- Mel Chalk – Mel stopped playing hockey 15 years ago but has remained in the NMFNHL. Mel has spent the entire summer trying to get a knot out of his skate laces and decided that quitting was easier.
- Mike “Soul Train” Staley – This former solid gold dancer has decided to hang em up for a season due to a bad shoulder and constant rejection from anything with a vagina at St. Louis Bar & Grill….that said Mike scored just as much on the ice.
- Pat Hoey – The only guy in a hockey league that had never ending golf stories. Pat has decided to bore the hell out of golfing buddies with tales of his hockey greatness….like the night he stripped the puck off of Staley, blew past Mel Chalk and went 5 hole on the aforementioned Booth.
- Bill Yip – Apparently the uncontrollable yeast infection which sidelined Yip for a month last season has returned. Yip was most commonly known for his bitching on the ice and inability pick up a tab at the bar. “Yip moaned like a Croatian hooker every time you went near him….and I was on his team” said Mike Eng. Those interested in Billy’s return need to look no further than FREE FOOD NIGHT at St. Louis which is the one night the whiny winger is likely to make an appearance.
- Peter Smyth – After a near death experience in the slot at the hands of the Goalie Torpedo Aaron Karmazyn, Peter has decided to follow in the footsteps of his hockey idol Rob “uncle fun” Campbell and learn the art of Geocaching. Personally I was intrigued when I stumbled across the website that promised the ability to find treasures in the bush….but I was pretty disappointed to find out it was Geocaching!
- Bill Faudemer – Bill is unable to skate with the boys this winter and is planning on spooning with his wife each Friday while watching 11 year old movies on AMC. He hopes to have someone else spoon her in 2014 so he can play hockey again.
- Do you remember Chris Richardson, Tony Hodge, Andy Bruckner and Jeff Wagner? Yeah, me neither…..well they’re not playing anymore.
Rejoining the league and patrolling the blue line this season is Mark McCargar…..all new NMFNHL players will have the opportunity to meet Mark if they choose to have a bevy’s in the south west corner of the parking lot. Nobody is happier about Mark’s return than Parking Lot concierge Jimmy Alloy Malloy who spent the entire Labour Day Weekend cleaning out the Coleman Cooler!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
