From The Third Row Bleachers...
Buckle Up for 2014!
Week # Championship Friday
It’s time! Those are the two words that likely made many hockey wives nervous this morning! No need to worry ladies, you don’t have to pretend that your “overweight Bruin” or “hairy Hurricane” is rocking your world for 45 seconds….it’s game night in Newmarket!
Let’s take a look at the final match-ups of the season.
North Stars vs. Kings – A Cup
Good things come in small packages….and no I’m not talking about Rayzor’s jock. This is all about the A Cup. Team Captain and donut magnate Dave Chapeau says he only wishes that the glaze stuck to his all new “Chapeaunuts” the way his Stars have stuck together. Some of Chapeau’s skaters who wished to remain anonymous admitted that while half of his pre-game comments made no sense….they loved the enthusiasm. Kimmo’s Kings have found their stride as of late. Coming off of a good Round-Robin comeback and a shoot-out win in the semis. When asked about his team’s chances in the final Kimmo said “We will probably get off to a slow start….most guys won’t remember the 9:15 start and show up late”.
Islanders vs. Bruins – B Cup
Without Commander Tom in the line-up the Islanders plummeted the past couple of weeks. In a telephone interview Mrs. Matheson showed absolutely no concern for the Islanders recent slide during the family vacation. The Islanders could be fighting destiny when they take to the ice tonight against Big Bird and his Bruins who are hoping to drink Beer out of the B cup? When asked about this Bird simply said it’s been a little over three months since he last held a B Cup.
Sharks vs. Canucks – C Cup
Our 3rd game of the night sees the Sharks face the Canucks in what could be an epic battle to end the season. Despite all the talent in Teal the Sharks just couldn’t work as a team. When asked about his team’s struggles, Captain Nate said “Struggles? C’mon….I had a career high 12 goals this year? Struggles?” need we say more. The Canucks have shown some life the last couple of weeks. Will they come home with the C Cup or will they lay down as they have on many a Friday Night?
Hurricanes vs. Blues
And the game that all of Newmarket has been waiting to see….the highly contested D Cup. Despite many player personnel moves by Coach, GM and Captain Blake Templeton, the Hurricanes defense caved in like a cheap water bottle. Look for the Canes at St. Louis around 9pm as they will try and scarf down some nachos prior to taking to the ice. Some Canes have expressed concern that the North Stars will likely eat all the free food before 11pm. After 25 weeks I’m still not sure who’s the Captain of the Blues, and I’m sure he’s glad….listen for Glory Days by The Boss to playing ever so gently in the pre-game warm up tonight!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # Semi’s
And that’s what many of the players have in anticipation of hitting the ice tonight!
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s match-ups.
Islanders vs. North Stars
Our first game of the night sees the late blooming Islanders take on the ever steady North Stars. Islanders forward Perry Brazeau has been the Islanders steadiest player all season. Brazeau hasn’t lit the lamp all year and likely won’t tonight either? In an effort to go “man to man” Greg McClenny will try and continue his goalless campaign as well.
Hurricanes vs. Canucks
Our second game of the night means absolutely nothing but a handful of these skaters are likely to lose their shit anyway. If anyone cares these guys start playing at 9:45pm.
Bruins vs. Kings
There is bound to be a lot of talking on the ice in this match up as the Bruins Paul Thibault got things going last week. Thibault walked right in to the Kings room and told them just how much he was looking forward to tonight’s game. Every King was absolutely speechless which given some of the names on the roster is almost unthinkable. “Maybe were getting soft?” said Alternate Captain Ed “Dr. Evil” Nemes. “Maybe this league is about fellowship, and good health…..I’m going to give that guy a serious can-opener just for making me even consider fellowship” Nemes was later heard saying.
Blues vs. Sharks
Dalton vs. Graziani…..need I say more? I do? Okay……. 8 to 6 Sharks.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 7 Playoffs Baby!
It’s Tiiiiiiiiiime!!!! Week 7 has finally arrived and if I was any good at Probability & Statistics I’d be able to give you a much better idea of how things are likely to pan out….I’m not so I will give you a High Level look at the playoffs. The 4 teams with the most points are in the “good pool” but 3 of the teams will still be losers in a few weeks. The next 4 teams will be in the “kiddie pool” and they are already considered losers.
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s match-ups
Canucks vs. North Stars
The Canucks playoff run has been so bad that Frank “The Boss” Seguin is thankful to be at home in a cast watching a collaboration of Maple Leaf hockey and Real Housewives of Atlanta….nuff said? The Canucks will face Randy “I Bring It!” Bergeron and his North Stars. The Stars are on the preverbal bubble heading in to action tonight….get to the Magna Centre early and see what Randy brings!
Blues vs. Hurricanes
Mike Mallette and his Blues will face Ian Gray and his Hurricanes tonight. Mallette is a game time decision after taking a shot to the mouth last Friday. It wasn’t anything a few stitches wouldn’t fix but Mrs. Mallette is under the impression that Mike wears a cage…..let’s see how he covers this up! Lucky for Mike he did not require any dental attention as he will face Dr. Gray on the ice tonight….watch for Gray to get up close and personal and somehow arrange for Mike to require a whack of dental work.
Bruins vs. Sharks
Andrew Grant and his Bruins will face Norm Fletcher and his Sharks in our 3rd game of the night. When asked about tonight’s match up against the Sharks Andrew was quoted as saying “well you know, I don’t know, you know”. Yes…I know exactly what he means. Fletcher meanwhile when asked about his team playing the role of spoiler said “I don’t know anyone on the Bruins”. Is it me or can you feel the tension too?
Islanders vs. Kings
Our final game of the night sees the Islanders face the Kings. League Commissioner Tommy Matheson has made himself a healthy scratch tonight….saving himself for the Big Show next week! Dom DiBlasio has decided to take this week off as well….his assignment was to shadow the aforementioned Commish. Sources say Kimmo Dancey has instructed Dom to stick to the plan and go to Tommy’s wife’s birthday dinner with the Matheson family.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 6 Playoffs Baby!
Perhaps it’s a moment of weakness but I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to eating at Made in Mexico in a few weeks, it marks the end of writing about and then watching this s…t every Friday! Let’s have a closer look at what could be the biggest night in Hockey in Toronto!
Islanders vs. Canucks
You never know who will stand between the pipes for Islanders as of late. Sources say Tommy Matheson dined at Made in Mexico the other night and had a brief meeting with long time dishwasher, Manuel Labor. “Nothing gets by the guy” said captain Matheson who took notice of the fact that he didn’t see any sign of a Chimichanga in his cutlery when his meal “likely expensed to the NMFNHL” arrived at his table. The Canucks meanwhile will continue to go with their back-stopper Steve Maguire. “From what I can see from behind the oppositions net, Mac has been great for us” said the often caught up ice Canucks defensemen Dennis Beilhartz.
Hurricanes vs. Sharks
Victor Andrade vs. Mike Todd…..like you even need me to point out the obvious! Arena staff are ensuring they have an adequate amount of lint rollers on hand to tidy up the corners.
Kings vs. North Stars
I cannot imagine the pressure the goalies for these two squads must be feeling. Both team’s skaters are very evenly matched and the game will clearly be decided by the masked-men. Kimmo “nivus ulosvetäjä” Dancey will suit up for the Kings while “Strapless” Dave Tripodo will suit up for the Stars. This blogger suspects that neither tender got much sleep or laid.
Blues vs. Bruins
Mike “The Terrorist” Caruso and his Blues will face Darrin “another round” Husack and his Bruins in the final game of the night. Caruso has had the hot hand as of late….it’s pretty rare to see a goal in a Blues game that’s he’s not a part of. Watch for the Bruins big-man to start covering the aforementioned Caruso around noon with a pre-game lunch and pints.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 5 Playoffs Baby!
After four weeks of lousy uninspired playoff hockey we’ve got a pretty tight race to the top four positions to make it to the big dance. Let’s take a closer look at exactly what is going to drag everyone’s lazy ass off the couch tonight!
North Stars vs. Hurricanes
Our first game of the night sees Dave Tripodo and his Stars face Warren Conlan and his Hurricanes. Tripodo is looking for a lot of hacking, slashing and broken sticks. You gotta love a tender that screams “Yeah Baby…when someone snaps a composite over his ass after the whistle….at least we think it’s because he’s hoping for a sale? The Hurricanes defensive duo of Conlan and Ahola commonly known as “Conhol” will try and keep things tight on the back end. The Kings managed to penetrate Conhol last week and came out on top.
Canucks vs. Blues
You heard it here first……Blues win!
Sharks vs. Kings
The Sharks are without Mike “the chimp” Todd tonight as he is currently engaged in dry-land training in Mexico in preparation for the year end banquet. No better place to prepare your stomach for undercooked enchiladas than in the homeland of bad fare. The Kings should have Gary Nakashima and Brian Maloney back in the line-up after missing last week’s game with an Oscar selection party.
Bruins vs. Islanders
Gary Haick and his Bruins will battle Ron Bremaud and his Islanders in the final game of the night. Don’t look for much effort out of either of the aforementioned skaters as both hate to have their spray-tans ruined due to high intensity on the ice. From where I sit I really don’t think that either of the George Hamilton wannabe’s should worry.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 4 Playoffs Baby!
Coming off of a 2 week break a lot of things can change in the NMFNHL. Is Kimmo’s lower body injury behind him? Has Brian Boake created a new goal cele? Have the Canucks decided to try the Neutral Zone Trap or will they even bother to show up to the rink? Let’s take a look at tonight’s action.
Blues vs. Sharks
The first game of the night sees Mike “The Terrorist” Caruso and his Blues face Mike “Champ” Todd and the Sharks. Look for Caruso to be extremely aggressive on the fore-check tonight as a handful of the Sharks still owe the veteran winger some cash for outstanding balances from Valentine’s Day. “I’ve taken some numbers and will have my sights set on 27, 5, 8 and 4….although #8 sent flowers to #5 house? Not quite sure what to make of that?” said the aforementioned Caruso. Todd (pictured below) will go “ape s..t” if the Sharks don’t pick up a quick 6 points tonight as he will be out of the line-up when his Sharks take to the ice next Friday. Todd is headed to Mexico on a scouting trip prior to the trade deadline!
Islanders vs. Stars
All eyes will be on the Islanders/Stars game tonight as these two teams sit at the top of the standings after 3 weeks. Pretty shocking considering the level of mediocrity these squads showed through the regular season. They remind you of that slightly chunky girl in High-School that turns into a stunner in her mid-twenties! Speaking of chunky, Ian Bell will be leading his Islanders into battle against Mad Max Saegert and his Stars. Look for both of these “big-boned” forwards to be on the puck like Tommy Lappala on free wings.
Canucks vs. Bruins
Look for a chalk outline surrounding the Visitor’s bench around 11:30pm.
Kings vs. Hurricanes
Look for a hard fought battle in this game as Aaron “The Goalie Torpedo” Karmazyn faces Gary “Bonsai” Nakashima tonight. Sure these guys are on the same team but some of the hardest hits in NMFNHL history take place when these two get on the ice!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 3 Playoffs Baby!
The 3rd week of playoff hockey typically sets the table for the remainder of the playoff run…..let’s take a closer look at tonight’s match-ups and see what squads are likely to starve!
Hurricanes vs. Bruins
The Hurricanes will face the Bruins in our first game of the night. Despite a tumultuous (that means volatile) “volatile means up’s and downs” regular season the Hurricanes have hit their stride. “When I look at the Canes they look re-freshed….I think it helps that they now have a full assortment of water bottles on their bench” said Bruins winger Big Bird. The Bruins will be looking for a sweep tonight as they fear pulling a 2014 Sharks playoff run. One more loss and the Bruins may look to Pete Carroll for advice.
Kings vs. Canucks
Kings tender Kimmo Dancey will not be between the pipes tonight unless he gets lucky. Dancey is still suffering from a groin pull which he sustained while trying to avoid a conversation with Chris Gilligan about hip surgery recovery time. The Canucks will be looking for Steve Maguire to come up big tonight. Maguire was overheard telling the bartenders at St. Louis last week that he’s handled more rubber than the mechanics at Green & Ross this winter. Bartenders reply “you’ve handled more or seen more”?
Blues vs. Islanders
Dion Lappala and his Blues will face the Islanders in the 3rd game of the night. Coach Lapp’s really sent a message last week when he went toe to toe with Gary Nakashima in the slot. Keep an eye out for the Finn who has already forced Bryce Glynn and many a goalie to their couch. After an uneventful regular season the Islanders have grabbed top spot in the playoffs through 2 contests. Rumour has it Ronnie Bremaud has been rehearsing his “I’m going to Disneyland!” line all week….now that’s confidence from the man with the tan.
Sharks vs. North Stars
Jamie Morphy and his Sharks will face Randy Bergeron and his North Stars in our final game of the night. Morphy told anyone that would listen that he’s planning to “Bring it like Bergeron” tonight! I’m not sure what Bergeron will be bringing tonight on the heels of spending the past week at the “Wasted Management” PGA Tour Event in Arizona last week. Bergeron spend his week heckling Tiger by yelling “Nice Tooth” while the former #1 stood over short irons.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 2 Playoffs Baby!
I always love listening to guys talk about how much faster the game is in the playoffs…..if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of sitting through a regular season NMFNHL game you would clearly see how it is inexcusable for the Playoffs not to be faster. Let’s take a closer look at what games innocent bystanders will be laughing at tonight!
Kings vs. Blues
Our first game of the night sees the Kings face the Blues. The Kings will be without Dr. Evil on the back-end which has the Blues breathing a collective sigh of relief as the admittedly still have not figured out how to defend the off-speed rush often released by Nemes. Insiders say that Mike Mallette often threatens to quit playing hockey after a bad shift….is tonight the night that the threat becomes a promise?
North Stars vs. Bruins
The second game of the night sees Brian Boake and his Stars square off against the President’s Cup winning Bruins. Boake’s wife said that she hasn’t seen the lanky winger have so much trouble sleeping since the “Night before Free Food Night”. Bruins forward Andrew Grant is still struggling as he recovers from an impromptu “Shocker” related incident which left him with a trigger finger and a metal splint!
Islanders vs. Hurricanes
Commissioner Matheson and his Islanders have offered to spot Warren Conlan and his Hurricanes 2 goals to start the game….Conlan’s reply was a clear and concise FYYFF (this may be found on Google translate). This game is likely to be a highly spirited affair including scrums in front of the net and Gilligan arguing off-side calls with 12 seconds left in a blow-out game.
Canucks vs. Sharks
If you are a fan of great match-ups you definitely want to leave the Magna centre by 10:45pm.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 1 Playoffs Baby!
After a grueling regular season that began fights, name calling and vicious rumours being spread it would appear that all of the NMFNHL wives have calmed down and are ready for some good old fashion playoff hockey. This is a highly anticipated time of year in Toronto…..even our crowds are bound to get larger!
Sharks vs. Islanders
The Sharks have got the “hot hand” headed into the dance as they went 2-8 in their last 10! Punishing Blue liner Ed Fortin continues to work on his backward skating which appears to have helped the fish back into the Playoffs. The less than impressive Islanders carried a .500 record throughout the regular season. Many of the players’ wives said that their men are less than impressive in the rack…why should the ice be any different?
Bruins vs. Kings
The regular season champs “The Bruins” will be led by rookie sensation Shane Cole (Pictured Below). It’s not easy for a rookie to make it through the entire season without buying pints at St. Louis…..it’ll be interesting to see if he can go his entire career without buying drinks like the Kings centre Aaron Karmazyn. I’ll take a rain-check on my Stella this week Aaron!
Hurricanes vs. Canucks
The Hurricanes season turned around part way through the year. The Canes allowed a whopping 102 goals against in 21 games….96 of them in the first 14 games? Guess they started back checking! GRINZ. They face the Canucks…..the Canucks have got a lot of talent on the team but are collectively shit!
North Stars vs. Blues
The final game of the night will see the North Stars bury their heads just like their captain and square off against the Blues. Look for Randy Bergeron of the Stars to take a run at Mike Eng….Bergeron was quoted as saying “the first time that guy comes in my corner I’m gonna tea-bag em right there on the ice” you’re nuts Randy….you’re nuts.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 21
It’s the time of year when teams are making moves in the NMFNHL and NHL. Included in those moves are coaching changes, as we all know it not always the coach’s fault and they would truly like to call out their players but the “code” doesn’t often allow this to happen. Fortunately we have no code…..
Bruins vs. Islanders
Bruins on ice coach Chris Doc Gannage is a long time NMFNHL player and truly sets the benchmark for classy guys in the league. Even Doc had to voice his interest in trading Darrin “Big Bird” Husack. “Darrin is a great guy and good player even when he’s wasted” said Doc. “The problem is he’s inviting other Bruins to the bar for pre-game drinks….these cabs are costing me a fortune” said the good Doctor. Meanwhile Islanders Captain and League Commissioner Tommy Matheson didn’t hesitate to voice his disappointment in winger Ian “The Natural” Bell. “The Natural has great hands on the ice and they get even better in front of chicken wings….I need my guys to eat right”.
Sharks vs. Kings
Sharks rookie Captain Nate “No Pass Required” Matheson was pretty quick to offer goaltender Jayson Graziani to the Kings when their goalie went down. Rumor has it that the Kings held out for $40 in cash as well to cover Graziani’s outstanding debt! Kings bench boss, Captain and part-time goalie Kimmo Dancey was rumored to have tried quite hard to move mouthy defenseman Ray Gasparet earlier in the year but was unable to get a St. Louis voucher in return. “There can only be one voice in the room and that voice has to speak Finnish”.
Stars vs. Hurricanes
North Stars Director of Hockey Operations Dave “Spunk” Chapeau has admitted that he finds Randy Bergeron un-coachable. When asking Bergeron to carry the puck instead of throwing a lousy pass up the middle RBR’s response was “Blow it out your Éclair donut King”. On the flipside when interviewing Big Blake Templeton about making a move his response was “we made ours….and were loving it!” Blake did however add that should any team happen to have a Kevlar water bottle he has a guy willing to pony up 3 Euro’s!
Canucks vs. Blues
Canucks Captain Dennis Beilhartz was a little shy about addressing the tough question but finally admitted that he himself might be interested in being moved! Which leaves us with Tommy Lappala….Tommy wasted no time in voicing his interest in moving former Commissioner and former Captain LuLu Letman. “Every F…..g week I read about how Letman is the Captain and leading this team to victory…..it’s getting under my thin pale Finnish skin”.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 20
With the holidays now over we can finally return to the NMFNHL action every Friday. Tonight’s match ups are all lousy….let’s take a closer look at how the crew spent the holidays!
Islanders vs. Kings
Jan spent the majority of the holidays getting out of his gear from December 19th. “Might have gone a little overboard on the sock tape that night” said the power forward.
Kimmo pulled his groin (again...) over the holidays, just look at the agony on his face!
Bruins vs. Sharks
Bruins forward Gary Haick spent the week off doing a little door knocking. Anyone interested in a fully finished basement apartment in Georgina can contact Gary in the penalty box around 10pm tonight!
Sharks goalie Jason Graziani was all smiles over the holidays. Jason got a swim cap that looks like real hair and 5 lbs. of Prosciuto for Christmas.
Canucks vs. North Stars
Canucks winger Dave Trace was told that there’s no Santa!
Stars Centreman Brian Boake told Dave Trace there’s no Santa!
Blues vs. Hurricanes
Blues tender Scotty Dalton got new pants for Christmas…
Hurricanes forward Victor Andrade got a body makeover?
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 15
With less than 2 weeks till Christmas be sure to get to Caruso & Company and pick up the perfect centrepiece for the Holidays (pictured above). Regularly $69.95 this arrangement is available exclusively to NMFNHL players for $69.50….reserve yours today.
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s games…….
Kings vs. Hurricanes
The action begins tonight as Aaron Karmazyn and his Kings take on Big Blake Templeton and his Hurricanes. The Kings may be a little light on the bench tonight as Karmazyn sent out an email this week asking for his teammates to bring money tonight that will be used help put his kid in new goalie pads or a hockey tournament or something self-serving? In typical Kings fashion a lot of guys will have Hamstring pulls. The Hurricanes will be led by Blake Templeton. You can’t wipe the smile off of Blake’s face as their goalie Jason has found his glove hand!
Canucks vs. Bruins
The Canucks will be led by Bob Patterson as they face Doc Gannage and his Bruins. “The only thing that gets Bob as fired up about Spam is facing the Bruins” said Dave Goldie. Gannage and his Bruins meanwhile are coming off of a big win that came in the final 30 seconds of last week’s game against the Kings. “It was a big win for us…so big I didn’t have to write a single prescription for mycoxafloppin for any of the guys this week.
Sharks vs. Blues
While on the topic of flopping Tom Lappala and his Blues will face Nate Matheson and his Sharks tonight. With the Blues playing so well the only thing Lappala is likely to ask Santa for is another “flat brim” hat that is usually only on 14 year old skateboarders. The Sharks Nate Matheson has got some real talent, unfortunately for his teammates it’s not in hockey! His ability to keep his head down can only be rivaled by Arnold Palmer. Most NMFNHL fans don’t realize it but Nate is the Captain of the team…tough to tell with that head buried in his chest. “I’d look up but then I’d feel somewhat obligated to make a pass” said the young skipper.
Islanders vs. North Stars
Our final game of the night will see Ron Bremaud and his Islanders take on Dave Shields and his North Stars.
If these two old birds are able to stay awake till 10:45 watch for some fireworks (and possibly some pee) in the corner.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 13
Yet another week without controversy in the NMFNHL. Watching these games is almost as boring as this blog. Bring back McCarger, Malloy and Munroe…..actually bring back McCarger and Munroe.
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s games…….
Canucks vs. Sharks
Our night begins with Steve Maquire and his Canucks facing Norm Fletcher and his Sharks. “In past years Maqurie has been great between the pipes…..but after reading Bobby Moore’s Goalie Bible ….Fok, he ain’t the same” says his 6 year old daughter. The Sharks will answer with Stormin Norman Fletcher. Fletch has been working on his right turns all summer…..he thought that’d be the best thing for a right winger to learn? You joined the “right” Normie!
Islanders vs. Hurricanes
The Islanders Perry Brazeau is all fired up to pot his first goal of the season especially after spending the last few weeks training under the watchful eye of goal celebration choreographer Brian “hands up” Boake. “I can’t wait to face that…..huh?.....new goalie?.....&%$@*&^^$% . Sure hope I can get my money back.
The Canes will be led by Kenny "The Bottle" Ahola 
who has been rumoured to be able to start a fight in an empty room. Ken loves hockey…..just look at that smile!
Kings vs. Blues
The Kings will be without Gary Nakashima tonight. Nakashima caught a cold Tuesday during his unique warm-up routine in his Adult-Safe power skating class (pictured lower left). Meanwhile Blues goalie Scotty Dalton was seen mocking the aforementioned Nakashima at a Blues practice last night (pictured lower right) “you shoulda seen it! He’s layin on the ice making snow angels and yelling hey guys jump on me…pretend I just scored with 10 seconds left in the game!”
North Stars vs. Bruins
The Stars will be led by Chris “The Right Way” Wright. Wright says he can’t go wrong since leaving his East Coast lifestyle out West. I’m hot and cold when I play North/South hockey….I’m just consistently inconsistent. Leading the charge for the Bruins is Paul Thibault. Thibault hasn’t scored since the “Bacon Strip” became fashionable. Paul hopes to shake the rust off his stick tonight in the slot.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 12
The temperature is plummeting as is my interest in watching this hockey every week. What’s up with the late starts this week….must be some type of tractor pull or track pant convention going on?
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s games…….
Sharks vs. Stars
Nate Matheson will lead his Sharks into deeper waters as they face Dave Chapeau and his Stars. With a 4-9-1 record Nate’s popularity in the dressing room can only be rivaled to Gian Gomeshi’s at a CBC Holiday Party. Chapeau’s Spunkin Donuts is happy to announce the “release” of their latest addition to the line of donuts…..Old Fashioned with Chapeautle sauce. Chapeau is absolutely exhausted after making 4 donuts….he’ll be a game time decision.
Blues vs. Islanders
Tommy “Luganis” Lapalla and his Blues will square off against Ian “The Natural” Bell and his Islanders in the second game of the night. Lapp’s was quoted as saying “Maalivahdit ovat pussies, ja tama Islanders maalivahti on onnekas nahda toisen kauden” (see google translation). The Natural has been complaining that his knee has been slowing him down…..Warning – this Xray is not for the faint of heart.
Hurricanes vs. Bruins
The Hurricanes line-up is up in the air tonight, as nobody seems to know who’s on first, who’s in net, who’s got the water bottles….it’s an absolute cluster you know what! ”We will likely use my patented “Blakeout” pass to kill some clock and potentially lure the opposition into some high-sticking penalty’s” said the blueliner. They will face the Bruins who may or may not have Doc Gannage in the line-up. Doc has got his hands full looking after the aforementioned Natural.
Canucks vs Kings
Our final game of the night (or first game of the morning) will see Scrappy Bob Patterson and his Canucks face the Kings. Bob normally get up to pee around midnight so assuming that he can hold it look for the feisty winger to try and stir things up on the Kings bench. No need for any assistance Bob….the Kings are spitting mad after being disgraced last week. “Dancey passed the puck like he was trying to pass a kidney stone” said Karmazyn. Dancey’s reaction to the criticism began with the obligatory FYYFF which has found him off the invite list to the “Goalie Torpedo’s” Christmas dinner. “That’s fine with me” said Captain Kimmo “at last year’s dinner Aron wouldn’t even pass me the stuffing.”
Las Vegas odds makers put Gilligan as the heavy favorite to end up at the Karmazyn family dinner!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 11
After 10 weeks the point spread in the league is widening…much like the waistlines of many forwards in this league. We’ve gone a few weeks without any incidents in the NMFNHL which can only mean one of two things:
- Guys are figuring out that they’ve hit rock bottom in their hockey career and scouts don’t come to the Magna Centre on Fridays.
- Dennis has lost his internet connection.
Let’s take a closer look at tonight’s games…….
Hurricanes vs. Blues
Our first game of the night sees the struggling Hurricanes take on the Blues. The Hurricanes bring a strong 3-2 Road Record against the Blues healthy 4-0-2 Home Record, which brings me to the question…..why in the FOK do we keep track of home and away records. Everyone plays in the same f………g rink every Friday f………g night? Uhm…..should be a really swell game with plenty of good camaraderie and sportsmanship between these two fine group’s people.
Stars vs. Canucks
Our 2nd tilt of the night will see Slippery Sid Negri and his Stars take on Dennis “The Commodore” Beilhartz. Negri has been on fire this season both on the ice and in the rack. Insiders site his success with his desire to go in the “dirty areas”. The Commodore has led his sinking ship to the bottom of the standings….look for a turnaround to start tonight!
Kings vs. Islanders
Terry “Madoff” Turner and his Kings will be in action tonight against Chris Gilligan’s Islanders. “TMT” as he’s recently been dubbed by his teammates/investors is doubtful for this evening as the King’s organization has no idea of his whereabouts since TMT collected cash for an alleged hockey pool in support of his “alleged” son’s team. “You can live it up on $1100 North of Green Lane” said one of the King’s 37 defensemen who has been duped out of $20…..other Kings are genuinely concerned for Terry….they still owe their pool money! Chris “Little Buddy” Gilligan and his Islanders are anxious for their 1 hour tour of the Magna Centre.
Sharks vs Bruins
Brandon Carman’s shot blocking school is now open for business! Carman will soon be releasing his “Shot Blocking My Way” DVD which will teach youngsters how to slide face first towards defensemen winding up from the point. “It really worked well for him in his competitive years” said Carman’s mom while discussing his Minor Novice year on the Pizza Hut team. Carman is hoping that his new release will sell better than his “Cock Blocking My Way” DVD. The Bruins will be led by Darrin Husack. Darrin is currently waiting outside Fionn McCool’s in anticipation of 11am and Plus Size waitresses.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 10
The forecast for today is cold temperatures with a chance of flurries and a strong possibility of bad hockey. After looking out the window and checking tonight’s starting line-ups it looks as though I’m right on both counts.
Let’s take a closer look at why our wives and girlfriends are so disappointed in us.
Sharks vs. Hurricanes
Our 1st game of the night will see the 4-7-1 Sharks square off against the 4-7-1 Hurricanes. In net for the Sharks will be Jason “Il mio defensemen aspirare” Graziani….in net for the Hurricanes will be Jason “Stack em” Cohen. This games is brought to you in part by:
Canucks vs. Islanders
Angry Joe Dominelli will no longer be with the Canucks as he has been forced to devote all of his time and effort to opening another “Angry Joe’s” in Beeton. Joe recently hired his chef Dick Hertz “from Beeton” and is hoping to have his entire team in place by the time the NMFNHL Banquet rolls around. Chris Gilligan will be a game time decision for the Isles as he has an interview with the aforementioned Dominelli as a bus-boy.
Bruins vs. Blues
Chris Gannage and his Bruins will take on Blues Captain Glen Letman. Letman makes a great Captain said third line winger Tom Lappala. “Lets is great at organizing lines, picking guys up when they are down and giving our goalie positive feedback and encouraging words even when they suck so bad I don’t want to play or even look at them” said Lappala.
“Stars vs. Kings
Our final game of the night will see a battle of the sharp-shooters as Brian Boake and his Stars will face Dominic DiBlasio and his Kings. Boake admits that nothing gets up as easy as it used to “that includes my post goal celebration”. Boake has bulged the twine 10 times this year which has allowed everyone on the Stars to “breathe easy”. DiBlasio was not reachable for comment as he’s sitting in a tree anxiously awaiting the opportunity to kill something. If it’s not an animal I like your odds against the tree.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 9
I’d wish you all a Happy Halloween but for everyone in this league it seems as though every week is Halloween. Everyone dresses up pretending that they can actually play, some of you have significant others in the stands which is pretty scary and half the guys that go to the bar have cobwebs on their wallet.
Let’s just take a look at tonight’s spooky games!
Blues vs. Canucks
Our first game of the night will see Ernie Screen and his Blues against J.P Parkin and the Canucks. Ernie must have gotten screened himself at St. Louis last week as he intentionally/accidently walked out on his tab! It would appear that Ernie would squeeze an American Nickel till the Buffalo took a shit.
The Canucks will be led by JP Parkin….I have no idea who JP is and neither does the timekeeper as he has recorded 0 Points in 10 weeks!
Hurricanes vs. North Stars
1 The Hurricanes are no joke!
Blake Templeton and his Hurricanes are no longer joking around…..the team is really starting to gel said the well-dressed Captain. They will take on the North Stars and their goalie Dave “Tu-Pac” Tripodo. Dave has been playing in the city leagues for most of his amateur career and refuses to put his suspenders over his shoulders for fear of losing his Crease Cred! I wouldn’t stop letting those suspenders hang around your arse either Dave….it looks cool.
Islanders vs. Bruins
Jan Haringa and his Islanders will face Darrin Husack and his Bruins in the 3rd game of the night. These two fundraising heavyweights will be going toe to toe on the ice and likely in the parking lot tonight. Haringa is running out of sock tape money and Bird is looking to send his daughter on a trip. Be sure to bring extra change to this game….your NMFNHL brethren are in need!
Kings vs. Sharks
Our final game of the night will see Aaron Karmazyn and his Kings face Jamie Morphy and his Sharks. Karmazyn was not available for comment on tonight’s game as apparently Halloween is a Stat. Holiday in E.G as we received an out of office reply?
Please be advised that I will be away from the office until Monday November 3rd, 2014. I will return all messages upon my return.
Thank You
Aaron Karmazyn B.Sc/Rec
Acting General Manager
Community Parks Recreation & Culture
Town of East Gwillimbury
The Sharks will be led by Jamie Morphy. Jamie has developed into more of a playmaker than a sniper and hopes to build on the 2 assists he has recorded in this 2014/15 campaign.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 8
Due to an early deadline and needing to go to the washroom…..let’s just take a look at tonight’s match up’s and forget all the preamble.
Canucks vs. Kings
Our first game of the night will see Frank “The Big Ginger” Seguin and his Canucks square off against Kimmo “I’m in, I’m out, I’m in again” Dancey and his Kings. “The Big Ginger might be a big deal at Magna” said Dancey “but once the helmets are on he’s just another red head”. Dancey as seen below has been suffering from a sore knee that has kept him out of the line-up for several weeks. According to his teammates Kimmo has had to sell chocolate bars to make ends meet as his benefits package doesn’t cover injuries sustained at Buffet’s or Blue Lines.
Bruins vs. Hurricanes
Darrin “Big Bird” Husack and his Bruins will face Ian “I’m only a Dentist but call me Doctor” Gray and his Hurricanes. Bird’s Bruins are a little concerned about how the big-man will spend his Friday as his pre-game ritual quite often involves the consumption of a few Guinness. Sources say that the Bruins have chipped in to cover the Green Fee’s for both Mike Todd and Mike Caruso to play golf with Bird today in an effort to keep him out of the bar. Playing golf with those two should tie him longer than a Chris Gilligan game re-cap at St. Louis! The “Doctor” meanwhile will stick to his usual pre-game ritual that includes Red Bull and Novocaine while watching The Voice.
Stars vs. Sharks
The Stars and Mark “Fifty Cent” Colley will take on Brandon Carman and his Sharks in the 3rd game of the night. Colley and Carman have a score to settle as the stay at home defenseman and whiny winger are constantly arguing over who is the bigger tipper (as seen below). Several NMFNHL veterans who wish to remain anonymous feel that this argument will never be settled. “Hey, if you’ve never run a tab how can you leave a tip?” said former Commissioner who did not want to be named!
Islanders vs. Blues
Robbie Carthew and his Islanders will face Tommy “Springboard” Lappala and his Blues in the final game of the night. “Rob’s hockey IQ is off the charts” said teammate Mike Whittle. “He and Mike spend a lot of time in the shower discussing break out plays…..sure it’s an odd way to spend the pre-game but look at the results” said Captain Matheson. Blues Captain Tommy Lappala is off to a slow start this year as his Blues still have the same goaltender they drafted.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 7
At this point in the season teams usually start to show who they are….no more fluke passes that are tape to tape or bar-down goals as a result of falling in the slot. That’s right…it’ll be all offside and accidental icing from this night forward.
Let’s look at tonight’s match up’s!
Kings vs. Bruins
This could be a very interesting match-up tonight as the Kings will be without their “Rover” Kimmo Dancey who is out with a lower body injury after taking a vicious shoulder to the knee from Mike Eng. The Bruins may be without Doc Gannage who may find himself tied up in the lobby of the Magna Centre looking at all of the injured Kings!
Dancey – Knee Injury / Turner – Hang Nail / DiBlasio – Pulled Back Hair / Taborek – Bad time of month / Nakashima – Emotional Trouble
The Bruins will be led by Darrin “Big Bird” Husack. When asked about Milan Lucic’s actions while entering the penalty box Bird reply was “he’s my hero! I never have to stroke it 3 times”.
Islanders vs. Sharks
The Islanders will be led by Ian “The Natural” Bell as they do battle against Mike Todd and his Sharks. Bell was invited to Todd’s house for Thanksgiving dinner last weekend and was shocked to find a mouse in his coffee after eating some “not bad” pasta prepared by a relative of the Sharks enforcer. Living north of Davis Drive Bell was not phased and seeks revenge tonight.
Editors note: Any resemblance to "The Natural" is purely SWEET!
Blues vs. Stars
Blues tender Scott Dalton won’t be found between the pipes tonight after a near death experience in the corner last week against the Kings. Dalton hasn’t slept all week knowing that he’ll be facing the goalie torpedo’s protégé Mad Max Saegert. Saegert is known for running goalies and has been seen practicing his craft in his driveway all week. Saegert had his 8 year old strap on the pads and stand in front of the garage door allowing Max to run him. Dalton has elected to take some much needed rest and watch The Voice with his wife tonight, the Blues have called up veteran tender Craig “Cup Guy” Campbell.
Canucks vs. Hurricanes
This game is likely to be a 0-0 tie in the event of a power outage…..with a couple of potent offences on the ice at 10:45 this game could be a barn burner! Dr. Bob Doherty knows that 2 points tonight vaults his Canucks ahead of the Canes in the standings, he’ll have to get around Big Blake Templeton to do so…..pack dinner Bob, that’s a long trip!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 6
Coming off a suspension free week of hockey we are likely to have plenty of skaters this week. The only things that could possibly stop anyone from playing tonight are: the wife, driving kids to a party, falling asleep on the couch, annual piece of ass, twisted ankle, pride, having a shit goalie, watching The Voice, in-laws, Anniversary dinner at Boston Pizza or had too many pints at St. Louis before the game. If any or all of that stuff happens to you we will see you next week. If not…keep reading.
Let’s look at tonight’s match up’s!
Bruins vs. North Stars
Gary Haick and his Bruins will face Randy “Bring it!” Bergeron and his Stars to get the action going tonight. Haick (a local Real Estate Agent) is coming off of a record week with almost 1100 doors slammed in his face in Georgina while door knocking. Watch for Haick to turn the tides tonight and slam the door leading to the bench. Bergeron was recently quoted as saying that he brings A LOT of effort on every shift! Bring your kids out tonight to watch “Bring It” Bergeron so they can see what it takes to have a long career in the NMFNHL and other organized leagues.
Blues vs. Kings
There may not be any enforcers left in the NHL but that is not the case in the 9:45 game in the NMFNHL. Our second game of the night sees Mike Eng of the Blues go toe to toe with Gary Nakashima and his Kings.
Tale of the Tape
Name: Mike Eng Gary Nakashima
Age: Over 35 Way Over 35
Height: Sees over the Boards Feet dangle on bench
Weight: Less than Todd’s head 136 lbs in a soaking one-zie
Sharks vs. Canucks
The Sharks will hit the ice tonight with some uncertainty in their line-up as both Kevin Logan and John Wellsbury are uncertain of their future with the big club. Neither player has been assigned a number, some speculate that bounced cheques may be the reason. Look for Logan and Wellsbury to be washing cars and selling muffins in parking lot tonight to raise the NMFNHL entry fee. The Canucks Angry Joe Dominelli has offered both of the aforementioned Sharks positions at his Woodbridge franchise as delivery men. Angry Joe’s now begrudgingly offers delivery. From this day forward if someone is knocking at your door yelling “Open the F…king door you lazy piece of sh…t” it is safe to do so as it is Angry Joe’s delivery service! Joe is also proud to announce his “Same Day delivery or its 10% off” promotion.
Hurricanes vs. Islanders
Joseph Cabral and the Canes will face his rival Paul Pucciarelli and his Islanders in the final game of the night. Those new to the league may not realize this but Joe C. and Pooch were both waiter’s at Gamberoni’s and competed for tips on a regular basis. Years later this heated rivalry continues in the NMFNHL. All I can say is “You’s guys gotta watch it out dare tonight….dose refs don’t want no trouble.”
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 5
Near fisticuffs, hurt feelings, intentional accidental cross checking what will week 5 hold for the NMFNUFCHL? (Newmarket Men’s Friday Night Ultimate Fighting Championship Hockey League) hits the ice tonight…..hopefully we get back to just playing bad hockey and leave the antics for the other Men’s Leagues. Our poor Commissioner barely has any time to enjoy his Government approved and Union regulated 3 hour breaks per day due to reviewing game film in the AV room.
Let’s look at tonight’s match up’s!
Stars vs. Islanders
The first game of the night will see Sid “Grease Lighting” Negri and his North Stars face Bill Gilles and the Islanders. Negri has some new found speed this year….he also stops a lot faster when he smashes into the boards! The Islanders drafted Bill Gilles in hopes that he’d have the same grit as Clark Gillies, “he’s been a total bust” said Mike Whittle of his line-mate.
Sharks vs. Blues
James Hinshelwood and his Sharks will face Tom Hinshelwood and the Blues at 9:45 tonight. James (bottom left) claims that his brother Tom (bottom right) has been jealous of him ever since he got the good looks of the family. Tom meanwhile said that this rivalry dates back to when James claimed the top bunk when they were in their early 20’s.
Hurricanes vs. Kings
Keep an eye out for Hurricanes forward Warren Conlan. Conlan likely won’t be in the game much past the start of the 2nd period. This could be the return of Kings Captain Kimmo Dancey. Kimmo was sidelined with a strained labia majora for the past three weeks. This injury has not allowed the Captain to ride the stationary bike at all….hopefully he paces himself in warm-up.
Bruins vs. Canucks
Our final game of the night sees Mike “The Hammer” Marchand of the Bruins face Bob “The Hammer” Patterson. Oddly enough neither of these two got the nicknames for on-ice incidents.
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 4
It’ll be interesting to see if things calm down this week for League Commissioner & Emotional Therapist Tom Matheson. Things have been so difficult thus far that being Mike Todd’s golf partner has actually been his form of enjoyment.
Let’s take a look at tonight’s line-ups and see if any cuts were made?
Kings vs. Sharks
Hopefully the Kings Steve Taborek will be back in the line-up tonight as he and his Kings square off against Brandon Carman and his Sharks. Taborek is rumoured to have hurt his back as a result of trying to study the Kamasutra. “Why do they have a bottom shelf at the Library” said Taborek who apparently bent over the wrong way and has not been able to skate since! Brandon Carman will definitely be in the line-up tonight. Brandon is truly excited to be a part of the Sharks “as soon as I saw our team roster I really felt good about my chances of never having to buy myself a drink at St. Louis” said the tight ass.
Kings vs. Islanders
Our second game of the night sees Roman Mikolich and his Islanders face David Fotheringham IV and the Bruins. Mikolich may look a little sluggish on the ice tonight as sources say he’s playing 54 holes today including Rosedale, Toronto Golf Club and Redtail. Fotheringham IV (son of Fotheringham III) was recently released by MLSE as a regular in the Goalie Races. “Handsome Johnny Leroux put me out of work and ended my passion for hockey which is why I joined this league” said David.
Blues vs. Canucks
Pat Seymand and his Blues take on Steve Maquire and the Canucks at 10:30 tonight. Blues Captain and Finnish 3m Platform Diving champion Tommy Lappala figures the Blues best chance of putting pucks past veteran net-minder Maquire to get Seymand in his face all night. “One-timers in slot are tough to stop if you’ve got Seymand in your face” said coach Lapps.
Hurricanes vs. North Stars
10:45pm on the Honda rink will see the Hurricanes and North Stars do battle. The Hurricanes Ian Gray is all smiles after a big win last Friday night over the Blues.
Mark Colley of the North Stars has been given the assignment of wiping the smile off of Gray’s face tonight….how you ask? Something to do with home videos is this bloggers guess!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 3
What a crazy week in sports....rather than a 15 yard penalty, players in the NFL are actually getting the boot for committing crimes! Then you’ve got a near tilt in the NMFNHL which was about frightful as the feud between Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard during American Idol. Only difference is people actually watched American Idol!
Let’s have a look at some shitty hockey match-ups.
Sharks vs. Bruins
Jamie “Biebs” Morphy and his Sharks will take on Craig “the other Cup Guy” Campbell and his Bruins in our first game of the night. Biebs has definitely got a second gear on the ice this season and he attributes his new found speed to the love of his life…his new Cocker Spaniel Justin. “Justin and I love to run around in the yard together and I think that it has really helped my ability to cut to the net”. I have no doubt that his teammates who spent their off-season drinking beer and banging flight attendants are really sorry that they hadn’t put more effort in to their training regiment. The Bruins will start Craig Campbell in net tonight assuming that he decides to show up. Campbell has been touring the world showing millions of fans how he polishes the Cup. Sometimes he uses his left hand, sometimes he uses his right…..that’s awesome!
Kings vs. Islanders
There will be plenty of water to go around on the Kings bench tonight as several of the defensemen are out of the line-up….rumour has it there will only be 11 D-men on the roster, the depth on the blue line is the envy of the league for some reason. The Islanders will be led by fierce fore checker Ronnie Bremaud. Ronnie is on fire so far this season as he purchased a 2nd hand heat lamp from the old Burger King in Keswick. The “George Hamilton” of the NMFNHL was quoted as saying “I’ll show those little c-----kers on the Kings how a real man tans”!
Hurricanes vs. Blues
Tangent lead guitarist Hurricanes defenseman Craig Matthews is a game-time decision tonight as he is recovering from a vicious blister he suffered while playing an unpaid gig at Colonel Mustard’s in Scarborough. Tangent was recently hired by former Commissioner and Blues defenseman Glen Letman to play at his own 75th birthday. The band was honoured to be a part of the festivities that drew a crowd of over eleven. Matthews said that he was not familiar with many of Letman’s guitar favorites including “Your Cheatin Heart – released by Hank Williams in 1953 and of course Peggy Sue – released by Buddy Holly in 1957”. The party was rocking from 4pm till at least 5:30pm said Dr. Bob…..
Stars vs. Canucks
Our final game of the night will see the Stars square off against the Canucks. Odds are there will not be anyone in the stands watching this game including me….see you at St.Louis
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row….
Week # 2
Not that anybody reads this garbage but I apologize for missing week #1. My contract clearly states that I have to cover all sporting events involving blades which has seen me in South Africa covering the Oscar Pistorius trial.
Don’t really know much about the NMFNHL rookies thus far but I hope to become a little more familiar with them and their stories as the weeks pass by….aren’t you vet’s relieved?
North Stars vs. Kings
Mad Max Saegert and his Stars will face Kimmo Dancey and the Kings when the puck drops at 9:30 tonight. Mad Max spent most of his off-season planning a Football Pool that includes over 10 people! That’s 4 people less than the number of goalies he took out of the line-up last season. Max won’t be able to ruin Kimmo’s season though….the Kings net-minder sustained a knee injury at a Buffet earlier in the week. Kimmo was apparently making his way back to his table for the 4th time when he realized that some Nanaimo bars were a new addition to the dessert table. Patrons clear across the restaurant could hear the pop as he made a sudden move to his left.
Bruins vs. Blues
Shane Cole and his Bruins square off against Mike Clarke and the Blues……this will be a bring game for sure. I highly recommend going for a shit at the rink right after these two teams warm up.
Sharks vs. Hurricanes
Nate “New Captain” Matheson and his Sharks will face Blake Templeton and his Hurricanes tonight. Nate’s tweeted that he likes the Sharks chances tonight as there is more tension in the Hurricanes dressing room than there is at Ray Rice’s house.
Canucks vs. Islanders
Canucks D-man Dennis Beilhartz will take on new League Commissioner Tommy Matheson and his Islanders tonight. Beilhartz was still showing signs of the Ice Bucket challenge in the shower on Sunday…so he claims. Meanwhile the new Commish decided to take the brand new jersey’s for his first season as head of the league. On the bright side all handicap parking spaces will be available at the Magna Centre as Glen Letman will no longer be able to use them!
And that’s the way I see it from the 3rd Row Bleachers!
